Opinion » The Rant

The Rant



This is going to be so typically about politics at a time when you probably would rather read about the mating habits of a porcupine (come to think of it, that would be kind of interesting) and I'm sorry about that. I have been sorta kinda keeping up with the primaries, which is tiresome enough. But every single potential presidential candidate is using the same catchword: "change." They all say that if they are elected they are going to "change" the way the United States government works and, thereby, they are going to profoundly change the lives of the everyday United States citizen. There are slogans and theme songs and promises and tag lines and logos and same-old, same-old pitches to get our precious votes. And the poll-watching freaks are all letting us know who is eating in which diner on the campaign trail and what they are ordering — so they can appear to be regular folks — and what the diner owners have to say about each candidate. I don't know about you, but I am certain that I am going to base my vote for the next presidential candidate on which kind of breakfast — or pie — he or she decides to order and wolf down while talking to the "common people" of Iowa, who have such an incredible range of intelligence that they have the first say-so about who is going to lead us for the next four years. Have you actually seen some of the stuff they eat in the name of trying to get elected? I happened upon a little television spot the other day, in which the owner of the eatery was cooking something akin to pancakes topped with ground beef, canned tomato sauce, canned corn, Fritos, and God only knows what else. His vote was contingent on not only if the candidate would eat this, but also how many orders he or she would eat while spending the day there, meeting with other people ordering the same dish and answering questions about how and if we are going to end the war in Iraq. "How's that ground-beef breakfast? When we gonna kill all them ragheads?" I mean, why Iowa? Who the hell is actually from Iowa and willing to admit it? Call me a snob if you must, but I just don't get it. Barring that South Carolina beauty pageant contestant who thought Africa was a country, how many of you even know the exact geographic location of Iowa? How many of you know anyone from Iowa, not to mention anyone who actually lives there now, intentionally? And in what other state could a politician actually go after the "home schooling" vote? Are you kidding? Have you ever met a home-schooling parent? Some of them are just fine. The other 99 percent are teaching their kids the virtue of white supremacy and how to stay away from anyone who doesn't own an arsenal of guns to be used for protection when the Rapture occurs. Yes, Mike Huckabee, we hope you get this vote, you big Baptist rock-and-roll preacher star! Does anyone else notice the similarity between Huckabee and that little nellie midget, Leslie Jordan, who had some great appearances on Will & Grace as "Beverly"? Beverly might be a little more butch, but nonetheless, they are like two Southern drag queens in the same hostile dressing room. I think they have each lived in a trailer at one time or another. We know Huck and his wife did for a while when their Arkansas governor's mansion was being renovated a few years ago. And you just have to love them for that. But I would wager to say that there was probably a goose/duck motif going in the kitchen wall-paper border and possibly a Taters 'N Stuff bin lurking somewhere on the temporary premises, so there is ample reason to fear them. It was, however, a triple-wide, so they didn't have to suffer too much. But back to Iowa. How did this tradition start and who started it? Why is there a caucus there that helps shape the election? Why do people there get to vote first? And why do the pundits put so much emphasis on the importance of the candidates who get the most votes in that state? I suppose I should remember this from history class or I could look it up, but I just don't have time and I'm sure it would just frustrate me — like the entire stupid notion of an Electoral College. I will, however, take a closer look at Iowa and see if there are any cities there. I know for certain that there are many, many little towns and that each one of them has one diner per resident with special dishes that the candidates eat while campaigning. And I'm sure there are plenty of people who are home-schooling their children in trailers. I hope it doesn't stunt their growth and make them Baptist guitarists.

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