Opinion » The Rant

The Rant



Okay, so I get this e-mail. It's from some public relations e-service reminder stalker — the kind of site that always sends me notes telling me basically what I am doing wrong even though the senders have no clue as to who I am. I'm sitting here just daydreaming and being pleasant (as always) and because someone somewhere seems to think I need to know about this, I get this note:

"On Tuesday, Jan. 25, President Obama will deliver his State of the Union Address to Congress and the nation. The president is expected to address a broad range of initiatives that impact virtually every issue and industry, including jobs, healthcare, taxes, immigration, education, and more. The speech also serves as a preview of how the administration will propose to allocate funding for the fiscal year budget, to be released to Congress in early February."

Oh, yeah? Really? Are you excited yet? Don't you wish you had gotten this e-mail?

I think the paint has a long way to go before it's dry.

But wait. There's more. And, mind you, this was sent to me as a "News Alert."

"This is a major news story for journalists, policymakers, bloggers, and online communities, all of whom will be actively looking for information, perspective, and experts to help provide context and analysis on these and other issues. You should be working now to ensure your organization and experts are part of the discussion — in newsrooms, online, on Capitol Hill, and everywhere else."

Are you still with me?

This is the problem with newsrooms and PR people and the blogosphere (lightning, don't strike me for using that word), the online community, and all other information sources today. IT IS BORING. This was a BORING "news alert" and if this is supposed to be someone's idea of a "major news story" that someone is a BORING someone who needs to see more John Waters movies. I would have sent out (and wish I had received) something more like this:

"On Tuesday, Jan. 25, President Obama will deliver an address about how all white people love shit they don't need, they all spend money they don't have, they want to hire only other white people, they want only other white people to have health insurance, they want their kids to go to school with only other white kids, they want all Americans to be white and have no non-white people become United States citizens, and they don't want any white people to ever pay any taxes again, so we are gonna have to do something about them!"

Inside White (haha) House sources say that President Obama is going to ask Congress, "White folks, why does everyone keep giving me such a hard time? First it was my church and then it was my name and some of you are still trying to dig up my birth certificate because you think I wasn't born in the United States, and you think if you can prove that you can get me ousted from office. Y'all do that to every other brother you don't like or is it just me? What did I do, anyway, except win the most votes for this job? Can't y'all just go spend more time shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch and leave me the f—k alone for five minutes? John McCain, don't you have 13 or 14 homes and a zombified wife to attend to? Give the prez a break. And Sarah Palin, let me ask you something: What would you do if you had to knock out a catfish? No real reason. Just asking. Just seeing if you're awake in there, in that private world of yours."

If you ask me, which, of course, no one did, there are way too many "experts" out there droning on and on and on and on about perspective and analysis and initiatives and context. I want to know more about the "con artists" in Congress.

And forget any talk about crime statistics. The president ought to talk about crazy teenagers shooting up designer bath salts into the veins of their necks to get high. Yes — eating, snorting, smoking, and shooting up bath salts to get high. This is a really white thing. They are too good to just grab a rock of crack or some weed. They gotta have bath salts. Gives a whole new meaning to "Calgon, take me away," I guess.

Why would President Obama even need to address education, when white kids are getting high on bath salts? It's just like the way they get high by choking themselves and each other. And there are people out there who think it's a bad idea to legalize marijuana?

I hope someday I get an e-mail informing me that the president is going to address Congress and the nation about something like marijuana or sex or revolution or something remotely interesting. I don't want to hear about health care. I want to hear about Jack LaLanne and exercise. I knew it would come out someday that exercise is actually bad for the health. See? It finally killed him.

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