Opinion » The Rant

The Rant

The Kardashians, Edward Snowden, Rand Paul, and George Zimmerman.



I know the Rant is usually an opinion piece (why else would it be called the Rant?), but this week I have no opinions. None. I am taking a break from opinions. They are like ... well, you know what they are like.

Everyone has one. I do, however, have questions. I'm always plagued with questions screaming through my head and I

rarely get answers. So I want all of you who post comments on this column's website page to share some answers with me. Let's do a little give and take. Let's communicate. Let's collaborate. No, never mind. I hate collaborating. (Oops, there goes an opinion.) So here. Help me out with these:

How on earth could NSA phone hacking whistleblower Edward Snowden have lived in the transit zone of Moscow's Sheremetyevo Airport for more than a month before finally being granted asylum? I mean, I love all this international spy drama, but I get the heebie-jeebies if I have to spend more than an hour in an airport. The food sucks, everything costs a fortune, people are rude, there are all those announcements over the loud speakers that no one can possibly understand so you don't even know if a plane is about to crash into it or if your flight is one hour or six hours late, and it is always hotter than hell because they are too big to air-condition properly. I'll bet you one thing: If Snowden had been stuck in the Atlanta airport with no idea when he might get out, he would have surrendered within an hour.

Speaking of airports, why is it that all of the airlines these days seem to be crooked and sometimes downright evil? They are price gougers, the planes are never on time, you have to pay to bring a pencil on board, the planes are becoming even less spacious than they already are, if that's possible, and they always claim they are broke. I am leaving shortly after I write this to travel with the Stax Music Academy on their Summer Soul Tour and I am traveling by bus and train and I have never been happier.

WHO are the Kardashians? I have asked this over and over and over and I still have no clue. I hear their names all the time, I see them splashed across the news, I hear about their marriages, divorces, and babies, but who are they? What are their accomplishments? I'm serious. I feel un-American not knowing who these people are.

How did Rand Paul get elected to whatever office it is he holds? I thought he was mentally unstable. He certainly acts like it. I thought he was something akin to a practical joke like Prince Mongo (no offense, Mongo!), but now I see him sparring with my man Chris Christie over pork and bacon. Dude, leave Chris alone. Who are you and why are you in office and why are you picking fights with Chris? What are you, some kind of a Tea Party freak? Get off my television screen!

Why is there a snail, in its shell, attached to my bathroom ceiling centered symmetrically exactly above my head when I take a shower? I finally seem to have gotten rid of the Raccoon Nation that had invaded my house and now this. I live in the middle of the city. Why is my house like Animal Planet?

Why is George Zimmerman speeding around Texas with a gun in the glove compartment of his car and why did the officer who pulled him over act so nonchalant about it and just give him a warning?

I don't have the energy to get into the whole sad mess about him killing Trayvon Martin and the prosecution throwing the case in Zimmerman's favor so that there was not much of a way the jury could find him guilty, but something seems terribly, awfully wrong with him A) eventually getting back the gun with which he killed Trayvon and B) getting a different one in the meantime and having it in his car. Does that not raise any flags for anyone else? He claims he killed Trayvon in self-defense and now, with death threats coming in, he gets another gun so he can kill someone else if he feels threatened?

Which brings me to my next question: Why are Florida and Texas still part of the United States? They obviously have their own laws and everyone in both states is nuts, including — and especially — the ones who make those laws, so why don't we get rid of them? Let them go it on their own.

So there. See, I have no opinions this week, only these questions. Someone please help me out. Make me quit wondering about all this. Tell me who the damn Kardashians are and let me know peace.

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