With all due respect to Michael Moore for the many open letters to George Walker Bush he posts on his web site I think the time has come for me to write the Liar a letter myself. And Georgie, I am going to give you a break. Yes, call me crazy, but I m cutting you some slack for once. And it actually has to do with the whole scandal about you reportedly being AWOL from the National Guard, the records about which are fairly indisputable. I, for one, am not really on that bandwagon. If I had been you (wait, those words just grew hair on my head), I wouldn t have shown up for that medical examination either. You know, the incident that got you grounded from flying, even though, in your biography, you said you kept flying for a couple of years after that. Tisk, tisk, tisk lying again. One can only assume that you didn t take the physical because it was scheduled during the first month the National Guard began drug testing during the physical examinations. I m sure it was just coincidence, but the timing really wasn t on your side, huh? You know, if you were partying down with the ol Peruvian marching powder to help keep you awake so you wouldn t get another DUI, I can understand. A guy has to have some fun now and then, doesn t he? But I suspect that might not have been the reason. According to government records the ones you can t hide from the American public you did indeed have some medical checkups between 1968 and 1971, and the only health problems you had were . . . well . . . there s only one way to say it: hemorrhoids. Now, I know that must have been terribly embarrassing and you probably didn t want to go in for another probe, and I don t blame you. And you know that I have to say this: It just goes to show that as much of a pain in the ass you are now, you were a pain in the ass even back then. Just be glad you weren t in the British military, or that would have made you a Royal Pain in the Ass. But on to other things. Mr. President (see? I didn t even all you the Liar): Do you have homosexual tendencies? It s just a question. See, now that you are on this mission to implement this constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, like there aren t other, bigger fish to fry, you have to realize that many homophobic people are that way because they fear that they might be a little on the gay side themselves. A little light in the cowboy boots, in your case. And let s face it: You got Laura pregnant only once, spawning those twin daughters who abuse their Secret Service agents by screaming at them to leave them alone on their way to bars and WWF wrestling matches. Look, if you re gay, it s okay. Don t worry. You just have yourself a big time at the Daytona 500 while American soldiers including those in the National Guard are fulfilling their duty in Iraq, guarding us against all those stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction. And in closing, let me say that I feel bad about the hemorrhoid condition being on your permanent record. You ve managed to keep private most of the rest of the records. Can t you get rid of those? You claim to be a war president. Can t you do something about those hemorrhoids of ass destruction? In the meantime, have a nice day and here s a brief look at some of what s going on in Memphis this week. Tonight, Godspell opens at the U of M Main Stage for a four-night run. Tonight s Third Thursdays: Art After Dark at The Dixon at The Dixon Gallery and Gardens brought to you by the nice people at 107.5 The Pig features the film Like Water for Chocolate, along with a Spanish cooking demonstration and a Decorating on a Dime workshop. At the Cannon Center for the Performing Arts tonight, the Memphis Cancer Foundation Gala is a Mardi Gras Carnival ball fund-raiser with costume contests, Dixieland jazz, and the presentation of the Spirit of Life Awards. And tonight s Leadership Memphis Mardi Gras Dinner and Auction at the Cadre Building features fabulous food, a live and silent auction, and live music by Di Anne Price & Her Boyfriends.