I don t know how they possibly could be, given this act of violent insanity they have just committed, but they better hope they are Gnostic enlightened divine sparks who have reached the point where they will not be forced to come back to this prison known as Earth after they die and inhabit yet another human form again, because they will likely come back as the human body part that starts with scro and ends with tum. I am talking about the ruthless group of lawyers and jurors who have made possible if not probable for Winona Ryder to go to prison over something as stupid as articles of clothing. What has the world come to? Does the judicial system have nothing better to do than this
? Oh, it s okay for O.J. Simpson to slaughter his ex-wife and her boyfriend, but let one little confused situation over some possibly shoplifted articles of clothing ruin one s career and place on in the imminent danger of being in a prison with murderers and the like? Has this jury never seen How to Make an American Quilt
? Well, maybe that s not the best reference for staying off her back, but think about Heather
s. Think about the sweet little 16-year-old when she played in Great Balls of Fire
and went shopping at the Hickory Ridge Mall looking like a little China doll. And why, why would Winona Ryder need to steal, unless she just got confused about what she had paid for and what she hadn t? The store had her credit card. She s not that hard to track down. She very well could have been studying for a role as a shoplifter. But that s not the point. The point is all this stuff over material possessions and their worth in the grand scheme of things. And I d like to have the complete history of each of the jurors who are trying to send her off to jail and see that they have never done anything wrong, never made a mistake in their lives. I hope they can sleep at night after this, only so they can have nightmares about having sex with Richard Simmons in public. I hope they can sleep at night so they can astral travel to a planet inhabited by nothing but creatures that look exactly like Rosanne Barr wearing nothing but a thong. I hope they can sleep at night so deeply that if their houses catch on fire, everything burns except their clothing and then let them see how important that is. For God s sake, we are about to cause the biggest global war of all time under the leadership of a chia pet and society is worried about this? I guess there s just one solution: If they are both sent to prison over green pieces of paper, Winona Ryder and Martha Stewart will have to be assigned to the same penitentiary and have their own television show. They could walk through the prison commenting on the groups of women all sitting around in their mullets chain-smoking and playing cards and talking about how they wish Rosie O Donnell would come visit them. Martha could show Winona how to transform her hairbrush into a shank and rob Noel Bush of her crack stash. No, wait. Has Noel been sent to prison for the crimes she has committed? They probably took a vote on it in Florida where she got busted and nobody knows at this point where the hell she is. Wait. Hold on. Okay. I just found out Winona is indeed not going to do time so forget all this. Although I do still think it s mean of them to having even put her in the spot where she might. So, you go, Winona. In the meantime, here s a little look at some of what s going on around town this week. If you re reading this on Wednesday the 13th, let it be known that Ms. Dianne Price makes her Madison Hotel debut tonight at Grill 83, and will be there on Wednesday nights from now on. And if you miss her there, she ll be at Huey s Midtown Sunday afternoon and the Blue Monkey that night. Now, as for tonight, Thursday, Into the Wood
s opens at the University of Memphis Mainstage, while , the third part of Il Trittico, the trilogy of one-act operas by Puccini, opens at Rhodes College. There s a booksigning today at Deliberate Literate by Ace Atkins, who ll be signing copies of his new thriller Dark End of the Street, the story of a History of the Blues professor at Tulane who comes to Memphis and finds himself embroiled in a cover up of a murder (he s also signing Saturday at Davis-Kidd and Monday at Square Books in Oxford. There s a great Hands On Memphis Fund-Raiser at the Carnevale warehouse, featuring a wine tasting and celebrity bake sale with goods cooked up by such notables as Cory Branan, David Lusk, and Jim Jaggers. And at the Hi-Tone Luther Wright & The Wrongs will be doing their bluegrass version of Pink Floyd s The Wall.