Why, I m madder than Diana Ross trying to stand on one leg and touch her nose with her finger while counting backwards in a Blockbuster parking lot. Well, not really. I just wanted to say that because it s the kind of thing Ed Anger always gets to write in his column in the Weekly World News. As a matter of fact, I rarely get mad about anything. Disgusted? Yes. Confused. Every waking moment of the day and night. Take North Korea. They ve been sitting there for 30 years with hardly any media attention at all, and now all of a sudden we want to go to war with them. Or some people do. Because they have weapons of mass destruction. Is anyone else out there as sick of hearing that phrase as I am? And here s a very simple question no one seems to be able to answer: The United States has a HUGE arsenal of weapons of mass destruction, so why should we be the only ones to have them? I m really sincere about this one. Is it a good-guy, bad-guy kind of thing? Has anyone given consideration to the fact that the United States is the only country that has ever dropped a nuclear bomb (or, nucular, as our proud leader says) on another country? I really don t get it, but then, there are many things I don t get. Like Siamese twins. How does that happen? How freaky is that? I knew a pair of Siamese twins once, but they had to move to England so the other one could drive for a change. I also knew a nun once who had a terrible sleepwalking problem. She was such a roamin Catholic! Okay, okay, okay. Sometimes I just can t help myself. Just like a bartender friend of mine couldn t the other day. A big cheeseburger walked in and ordered some fries, and the bartender had to say, Sorry, but we don t serve food in here! You know, I love being on the same intellectual level as my eight-year-old nephew. The one who is writing the book about the similarities between elementary school and prison. It s coming along quite nicely. He s working on the chapter now about digging out. It seems there s some sort of brick wall around the playground at his school in St. Louis, and he has managed to find a way to chip away at the cement between the bricks. And he now refuses to speak without mocking a Puerto Rican accent. Not that Puerto Ricans have a tendency to be in prison, but it s just something the little tike likes to do. He also loves to fake fainting. I can be sitting there talking to him and he just falls out in the floor and lays there motionless. His favorite smells are cigarette smoke, gasoline, and pizza. His picture, by the way, can be seen in the upcoming February issue of RSVP magazine. Can you imagine what they would be like if I had children? Good heavens. The world wouldn t be nearly as scared of weapons of mass destruction with my kids out there on the loose. Look what I ve done to my cat. Our latest game is DUI Kitty. I got this little flashlight with a blue bulb in it and I just follow her around flashing it like police-car lights and telling her to pull over and get out of the car. Then we do a little field sobriety test and smell her breath and tell her she s going to have to go to jail. It occupies my time, of which I am now out (I can hear the sighs of relief) and must get on the real business at hand here what s going on around town this week. Here s a peak. Tonight, classical guitarist and all-round lovely person Lily Ashfar is at the Buckman Performing and Fine Arts Center. It s Third Thursdays: Art After Dark at The Dixon at The Dixon Gallery and Gardens, a 12-month program during which visitors can view art, network, and familiarize themselves with three countries; tonight s event includes a gallery talk, Italian food and wine, and the Italian film Roma, citta aperta. Ruby Wilson is at B.B. King s tonight. And Ray s Music Exchange and Yamagata are at Young Avenue Deli.