Well, I was going to be rather mean about a Commercial Appeal column that appeared a couple of weeks ago which trashed a very good, tiny start-up restaurant with a slew of calamitously misguided remarks and almost resulted in the place shutting its doors forlunch, making many, many people very unhappy and throwing some very hard-working people back into a cycle of poverty, but I've been assured that they are above such nonsense, so I'll back off. I can't eat anyway because I can'tstop laughing about the two lawyers from Mississippi who are filing a lawsuit against Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda. Now, I am not making fun of Mississippi. I love Mississippi. I love the Delta. I love the Gulf. I love Oxford and Faulkner and Eudora Welty and Tennessee Williams and Clarksdale and lots of other things about Mississippi. But suing Osama bin Laden? And going to Kenya and Tanzania to sign up clients? Can you say, Too much time on someone's hands? It would really bite to be the one who has to serve Osama with the subpoena. The entire world can't lay hands on the guy, but apparently the lawyers from Mississippi have just a wee bit more going for them. And if they were to find Osama and file their suit, a little voice tells me that there would be much more pressing things to handle with him than a lawsuit. Maybe these lawyers should refocus their efforts and go after Birmingham, Alabama, resident Kimberly King, who recently -- well, she recently took a utility knife and chopped her boyfriend's butt off. Yep, attacked him during an argument and just cut off his buttocks. One can only imagine what that argument was about. The boyfriend didn't give the police all the details, and as an American citizen, I want them. Now. What could he possibly have done to incur this kind of wrath? Was he being a wisecrack? Did she ask him during dinner to pass the Spam croquettes and instead he passed alittle gas? I have a very vivid image in my head, unfortunately, of a very drunken boyfriend tackling a very hot-headed girlfriend and doing that in her face as a joke and the whole thing turning very ugly. But mental images aren't enough. I want photos. Not of the dismembered derriere but headshots. I feel more than certain that there's a mullet involved here. And just how in the world does one cut off someone else?s buttocks? I do believe I would have put up some kind of fight. Like, say, killing her. And what happened to the cut-off buttocks? Talk about giving new meaning to picking up a piece of ass. Not to mention turning the other cheek. I am truly fascinated. Maybe she should hook up with Lorena Bobbitt and the two could have their own cooking show specializing in hot dogs and buns. Or sausage and rump roast. Boston butt with beanie weenies. (Okay, enough.) Ol? Kimberly, after carving out her niche as one of Alabama's most notorious knife-wielders, was arrested on charges of attempted murder, of which she told a television reporter, "This ain't right." Sister, I think it's very fair to say you ain't right. Just cut off his butt. I don't know if I'll get over this one. In the meantime, here's a little look at what's going on around town this week. Cut off his butt. Good heavens. If you are reading this early on Wednesday the 19th, as many of you do, there's a reunion concert tonight at the Map Room by that ever-popular Memphis band Accidental Mersh. As for Thursday, today kicks off the Annual Southern Fried Regional Poetry Festival at various venues downtown; don't know much about it other than the "Too Early For Poets Open Mic" gig at CafÇ Francisco 10 a.m. Friday. Check www.memphispoetry.com for details. I don?t have time. The Memphis Redbirds are playing Edmonton tonight at AutoZone Park. And there's live jazz by Neptune's Army tonight at CafÇ Zanzibar.