First of all, I d like to profusely thank Rob Sanders, Director of Market Expansion for Merry Maids, for his wonderful letter to the editor last week thanking me for my participation in his convention, referring to the night I sat in said convention by accident for one hour and had dinner thinking I was at the Blues Ball. And a nice, merry convention it was. He said in the letter that the cost of my dinner was the best money they d ever paid for accidental press coverage. But let s call a halt to that. Rob, I ll mention Merry Maids every week from now on if you ll send some of those Merry Maids over to clean up my house. Right now, there s no light bulb in the bathroom, they are out in two bedrooms, I have piles and piles of yard sale purchases that need to be priced to sell at a yard sale of my own, my 15-year-old cat just pees and poops any place she sees fit, there s a small village growing underneath my sofa, if I turn on my oven it erupts in flames, and there s something in the refrigerator that resembles a chinchilla muff. I NEED HELP! And I know your maids could do it. But onto other matters, historical matters, if you will. I just found out that Hitler never drank tequila. Why? Because it said it made him mean! (Okay, okay, I just had to get that one out of my system.) And I see Dr. Gott is at it again. The syndicated health columnist whose advice appears here in The Commercial Appeal seems to be obsessed with old people having sex and sexual problems. A few weeks ago, his column was about a woman who had some kind of surgery that made her vagina fall into her rectum, or vice versa, I can t and refuse to remember. Now, here s a more recent headline: STEROID CREAM CAN CAUSE SHRINKAGE OF GENITALS. This was in reference to a 74-year-old man who had some dermatitis problems and applied steroid cream to his penis, which resulted in shrinkage and curvature. Well, gross. No offense to my elders and having curvature must mean something still works at that age, but really. Must we constantly be being primed to carry around in our heads mental images of 70-something-year-old sagging vaginas/rectums and old shrinking curved penises? Can t people write in saying something like, Dear Dr. Gott: I am a 32-year-old Italian male model and I worry that my 43-inch chest and broad shoulders could be more defined. What do you think I should do? Much better than the shrinking penis. Oh, well. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A) What the hell does chuck mean?; B) Who cares?: and C) Who came up with that idiotic question anyway? I went to a funeral over the weekend where my friend Widder accused my friend Granny (these are men in their 40s) of knocking an elderly man out of his chair during the service. I have learned how to hallucinate without taking any kind of drugs. When I was little, I set up a veterinary practice on our back porch and poured alcohol into a BB gun hole in a turtle and never saw it again. It s obvious that that some part of my brain is very disturbed right now, so I think I d better get on to what s going on around town this week. Today, of course, is Halloween, my favorite time to wrap up ice cubes in aluminum foil and hand them out as treats. And there some parties going on around town. At Clayworks Studios on Vinton, there s an opening reception/costume party for works by Niel Hora and Leandra Urrutia. There s a Dash Rip Rock Halloween Party at The Lounge. At the Full Moon Club upstairs from Zinnie s East there s a Halloween Bash with Yamagata and Rabid Villain. At the Hi-Tone there s a Marked Flesh Tattoos Halloween Bash featuring Hammerfight, Manbird, and 3 Guys That Hate You. And at Young Avenue Deli there s a Lucero Halloween Bash.