Despite the fact that I a drive a Saturn with one hubcap on it, dress like Beaver Cleaver (if he dressed in the dark, that is) wear glasses that are crooked on my face, go to bed at 10 p.m. every night, and live in a house with no dishwasher or cable or stereo, I still consider myself to be not altogether an uncool guy. I had given up that notion until recently, when I got something called instant messaging installed on my computer. And now I can be quite savvy and cyber chitchat with my friends all over the world. Well, with two friends, anyway, one of whom is here and just doesn t sleep, and another who s living in Scotland and is readying himself for a quick move to Spain. He is young and hip now we talk back and forth every other night or so in a Hemmingway-esque fashion, letters which I will save for my non-memoirs someday. I prefer to call the new mode of communication my IM. I d heard of this before, but didn t know what it was. But now I am the IM master. And now that I have mastered IM, I am going to become totally obnoxious and talk only in abbreviations. Take my day job (no, don t really; I love my job). I am a VP and head of PR and sometimes AE for an ad agency. At my job, I constantly throw out terms like jpeg and pdf, not having any idea of what they really mean. I wonder if my IQ is that of a QVC host. And since I don t have cable, I have no idea what channel QVC comes on. WMC, WREG, WPTY, WHBQ TMC. AMC, MSNBC, BTV? It would help if I just had either a DVD or a VHS of MR.T. That would deter me from having to watch the news and hear all about George W. Bush (with his GED) talking about his invisible WMDs in what he fantasizes is his DMZ in Iraq. Guess his ETA of soldiers coming back home to the USA was pretty much BS. SOS. I think the CDC needs to give him an MRI to make sure he didn t ingest any PCP or LSD instead of liquor when he got his DUI. And what about his new policy with the EPA? I think the CIA and the FBI should look into that. And not to mention the evil VP. And what about that depiction of Bush as JC in GQ? There needs to be an editorial on this in the CA and the MBJ. BTW, doesn t his frizzy hair make you LOL? And where are those daughters? They seem to be MIA since all that trouble. And weren t the MTV awards on recently? Wonder if they showed Michael Jackson doing his old hit, PYT? I hope if he ever gave any visitors to his zoo-land a STD, he followed up with a bouquet from FTD. Oh, well, gotta get some R&R for now. But in the meantime, here s a brief look at what you can do in the way of TCB around town this week. And I am having to write this early because of the holiday and they re not giving me as much space as usual, so this is going to have to be really quick. Tonight, there s and art opening at One Love (adjacent to the Cooper-Young Food Co-op). And Van Duren is at Otherlands Coffee Bar.