Okay. I am in the wrong business. This time I am really out for Dr. Peter Gott s job. I know I ve droned on and on here on this page about my fascination with his syndicated health column, but a recent one was the straw that broke the camel s back. If indeed the letter printed in The Commercial Appeal on March 30th was real, and not something the good doc made up just to push the limit and have some fun, I m setting up a post office box and taking his readers away from him. Just in case you missed it, the letter was from a woman who had recently been at a dinner party, where, apparently, the main topic of conversation over the meal was her problems with hemorrhoids. After telling all of her friends that she had tried everything her doctor had recommended, plus everything advertised on television, for this painful problem, nothing worked. One of the women at the dinner party was a nut about Jell-O, believing that it is good for everything that ails you. The writer didn t actually say that she and the woman discussed at the dinner party the idea of using Jell-O as a hemorrhoid treatment, but apparently she gave it a shot. This is what she told Doctor Gott: In desperation, I gave it a try the following morning. I cooked it according to the directions on the package and applied it to the inflamed area. I love the fact that she cooked it according to the directions on the package, as if this somehow validates her efforts, as opposed to cooking it the wrong way and thereby missing out on some technicality that might prevent rubbing Jell-O-O on her inflamed area from working. I guess it s a good thing her friend didn t recommend something more complicated, like a cheese soufflÇ. The writer, having applied the Jell-O to that inflamed area, continued, It did nothing except make a horrible stain on my new white lined slacks. Perhaps I shouldn t have used strawberry. So. She applied strawberry Jell-O to her inflamed area, and then put on a new pair of white linen slacks? For God s sake, where was she going? She s got an ass full of strawberry Jell-O and she puts on new white linen pants and heads out to, say, the country club? I guess it s a good thing her friend didn t suggest applying chocolate pudding to her inflamed area. The writers goes on to ask, Do you think lemon Jell-O, or perhaps plain gelatin, would have been better? adding, Someone else at the table suggested roasted garlic, but I don t think he was being serious. What do you think? Well. Doctor Gott s immediate response was, Boy, that must have been some fascinating dinner party. To say the least! Then he got down to business and discussed the possibility of surgical intervention, rather than Jell-O, of any flavor, to the troublesome hemorrhoids. He also said that some readers have had success by applying Vicks VapoRub to the affected area twice a day. Ouch!!!! Vicks VapoRub? Dr. Gott usually saves this particular medication for toenail fungus, but I guess it s more versatile than I thought. At any rate, this has reality television show written all over it. A bunch of people sitting over dinner discussing hemorrhoids. In the show, they could all have hemorrhoids and try applying various food products hot sauce, vinegar, paella, Little Debbie snack cakes, split pea soup, pot roast to their various inflamed areas over a period of weeks, until the last person to still has the problem has to have surgical intervention. It could even be turned into a cooking show and air on the Food Network. You have to admit is has possibilities. One can only dream. In the meantime, here is a brief look at some of what s going on around town this week. Tonight, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer is playing at The Orpheum. American Idol star
is at the Cannon Center. The Memphis Redbirds kick-off a four day run against Albuquerque at AutoZone Park. Tonight s Sunset Atop the Madison Series on the rooftop of the Madison Hotel features cocktails, a great view of the river, and live music by Papa Don McMinn & Night Train. There s live jazz by Lynn Cardona and Tim Goodwin at Republic Coffee. And if you haven t been to the new South American-Caribbean restaurant Aristi s yet, on Monroe next door to McEwen s, by all means check it out.