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Thursday, August 1

Thursday, August 1



All right. I am filing a lawsuit. I'm not yet sure whom it's going to be against, but I am filing one. This is all based on a couple of suits I've read about in recent days. One involves a Clearwater, Florida, resident, Renee Koutsouradis, who was awaiting takeoff in Dallas aboard a Delta Airlines plane. It seems that a Delta Airlines security agent heard something strange in her luggage, called her name over the loudspeaker, and summoned her to the tarmac, where she was forced to remove a vibrator from her luggage and hold it up for everyone to see because it was vibrating in one of her bags. The suit alleges that she was publicly humiliated when most of the passengers saw it and several flight attendants began laughing hysterically and making obnoxious sexual comments, the details of which, of course, were unfortunately left out of the news bit. Can you imagine such a thing? Renee, honey, go for a figure in the millions. But maybe, given the state of heightened airline security, think twice about trying to carry such a device while traveling. Can you not go a few days without having sex with an appliance? I say forget about packing handcuffs too. Could be construed as a mite suspicious. Whips? Probably not as much a problem. Studded dog collar? Hmm. Depends on the size and sharpness of the studs, most likely. And c'mon, Commercial Appeal. Why was this buried in the U.S. World News in Brief section of the paper? Don't you know front-page news when you see it? Think of how many more papers you would have sold if, instead of a headline about how much money George Flinn is spending in his attempt to buy the county mayor's job, the front-page headline in huge letters was WOMAN SUES DELTA AIRLINES FOR FORCING HER TO HOLD UP VIBRATING SEX TOY FOR ALL TO SEE. Start rethinking things like this. And then there's the 300-pound man who is suing several fast-food chains, claiming that they are to blame for his obesity. Wow. This opens up a whole new world of litigation. I can sue just about anyone. Starting with Aquafina bottled water and Vlasic pickles. I recently went on yet another crazy diet, consuming for three days only said bottled water and baby kosher dills, and gained weight. There's no way to even describe the emotional hardship it caused, and I insist that I be compensated. Same for Doctor Atkins. While everyone else is dropping pounds like crazy, I gained weight. Same for whoever invented the treadmill. Every year, I get a wild hair and walk/run on the treadmill for three miles at 5 a.m. Gained weight. Whoever it was who first made the observation that life isn't fair was right. I think I'll sue that person as well for putting that thought in my head. In the meantime, while I get all the legal paperwork ready, here's a brief look at what's going on around town this week. Tonight, singer-songwriter Patty Griffin is at the Lounge with Eliza Gilkyson. It's Ladies Night with Scott Sudbury at Newby's. And Curl Up & Die (I've always wanted to open a hair salon by that name) and Taken are at the Map Room. Also, don't forget to vote today. And vote only for Democrats. We must conquer the oppressors. Maybe we should sue them.

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