On October 23, 2016, Donald Trump made remarks at the historic Gettysburg Battlefield. He delivered a different speech than originally prepared, but we were able to gain access to the first draft of then-candidate Trump's personal notations, scribbled on the back of a Burger King placemat. We believe we have succeeded in deciphering the erratic script and have attempted to retain the original intent as best as modern graphology will allow. Here, unfiltered, is Trump's Gettysburg Address:
"Eight score and two years ago, my grandfather brought to this country a fantastic family name — Friedrich Drumpf — which he quickly changed to Fred Trump since German immigrants were frowned upon at the time. He formed a terrific business of bars and brothels catering to the new frontiersmen of the Klondike Gold Rush.
Hey, I just coined the expression "New Frontier." I can definitely use that.
"Anyway, Grandpa Trump took his fortune and moved back to Germany, but they kicked him out for both draft and tax evasion. Just imagine, if the kraut government had been nicer to refugees, I'd be peddling real estate in Hamburg today. But three score and 10 years ago, I was conceived in Liberty, which is a small neighborhood in Queens. Like my father, who inherited a small fortune, we were dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, just some more equal than others.
"We meet today on a great battlefield of the Civil War because I need Pennsylvania's electoral votes. When I gaze across this landscape, I'm thinking to myself, 'Hmm, what a terrible waste of space.' This would make a fantastic location for a hotel and a private golf course, considering its historic significance. But, as Lincoln said, 'We can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground.' At least until we get all these ugly markers out of here and stage a first-class ground breaking ceremony with the boys and Ivanka.
- Georgesheldon | Dreamstime.com
- Donald Trump
"I've been informed that a lot of men died here. Personally, I like soldiers that didn't die. People don't ask the question, why was there a Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out? Andrew Jackson saw what was coming while moldering in his grave and said, 'There's no reason for this.' His 150 slaves most certainly would have agreed. Lincoln just couldn't close the deal, but I, alone, could have fixed it. I don't understand the whole Lincoln thing. People don't realize he was a Republican, but many people say he was a melungeon. This I can tell you.
"The fake media won't report it, but our crowd today is a hundred times larger than the turnout for Lincoln's speech. I looked at all those old Mathew Brady photographs and I've instructed Sean Spicer to produce pictures that show mine is the greatest Gettysburg Address, period. Although I escaped military service because my foot hurt, if I had been at the Battle of Gettysburg, I certainly would have won, since I know more than all the generals. That old grey-haired granny, Bobby E. Lee, was much too low-energy to ever defeat Trump. And I never owned any slaves, only children in China who assemble my clothing line for slave wages.
"In closing, I would ask the blacks today, 'What have you got to lose?' You should give me your last full measure of devotion ... if we ever make it easier for you to vote. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here because the crooked media is so unfair, but government of the rich, by the rich, and for the rich is good enough to win the Electoral College. But I tell you this, no politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly than me. Except maybe for Lincoln."
Randy Haspel writes the "Recycled Hippies" blog.