Let's accept that I ended up on Oprah's website. That's as much as I'm willing to admit. Along with articles like "7 Dresses That Give You a Flat Stomach," "12 Non-Dorky Backpacks for Grown-Ups," and "Oprah's Shoe Hall of Fame," is an article called "What Not to Wear If You're Over a Certain Age."
Here's the thing. It is not the job of Oprah or her minions to tell me what not to wear. That job belongs to the people. It belongs to all women who have sat with their girlfriends and done some serious people-watching over margaritas. It belongs to every woman who has ever said to a friend, "Oh, girl. No."
Now, to be fair, I would not have dismissed this particular listicle out of hand had it actually been Oprah standing atop a mountain with seven edicts chiseled into perfectly veined Italian marble, telling me not to wear bright nail polish. It was, however, a minion of Oprah's named Adam Glassman.
- Laurence Agron | Dreamstime.com
I'm guessing this Glassman is a fellow. I mean, I'm from Mississippi where we routinely name girls family names like Morgan, Aubrey, Curtis, and Blake; but I don't know a single woman named Adam. So, this ... dude ... this Adam, is gonna tell me what I shouldn't wear? No. Because I am fair and balanced like Fox, I will agree that his mention of rompers is spot on. But that should be more of a general rule. Rompers are ridiculous. First, for gals who run a little long in the stride, they seem awfully uncomfortable. Also? I'm not going to go into the logistics required for a restroom visit. No one who is old enough to cut her own food should wear a romper.
We ladies of a certain age shouldn't wear short skirts, bright nail polish, bare midriffs, and a few other things that are even dumber. Granted, this list wasn't quite as knuckleheaded as the one I read saying we shouldn't wear hoop earrings, graphic T-shirts, or colored denim. I've decided that since any moron can make a list of don'ts for us more world-weary ladies, I'd throw mine into the ring.
I give you my list of things not to wear if you're old enough to have voted for a male Clinton.
1. An Upper Lip Tattoo. Listen, I know you still want to be hip and fresh. But tattooing "YOLO" on your upper lip is just going to draw attention to those bothersome little lines you got after years of sucking Marlboro Lights. If you must get your upper lip tattooed, might I suggest a Hitler mustache? This way, you have a built-in Halloween costume, and you don't have to worry about plucking those pesky hairs we get from time to time.
2. Camouflage Contact Lenses. Too faddish. Might I suggest a timeless animal print?
3. French Manicured Eyebrows. I am so over the French manicure. Long rectangle fake nails with stripes on the tips more suited to a parking lot is not a good look for anyone. Why would you do that to your eyebrows? That's a young girl's game.
4. Clear Plastic Shoes With Goldfish in the Platform. Oh, sure. It sounds like a good idea, but what if you want the rest of your accessories that day to be silver? Let the kids mix their metals. Ladies of a certain age should be more consistent.
5. Sneakers with Light-Up Soles. I know. Your granddaughter looks adorable in them. Stick to a nice Ferragamo pump, granny.
6. Drop-Waisted, Puffy-Sleeved Chintz Dresses. Do not—I REPEAT—do not try to relive the glory days of the early '80s by wearing a dress made of fabric from the upholstery section of Jo-Ann's. If you must relive your youth, go see Journey at the casino. If you're old enough to have worn it the first time, you're too old to wear it the second.
7. Festival Clothes. Please, stay away from anything marketed as perfect for festival season. This includes, but is not limited to, feathered headdresses, knee-high gladiator sandals, triangle chain bras, metallic temporary tattoos, or lace-up hotpants. Again, this is more a good rule of thumb for anyone, not just moms of teenagers.
8. Pet Clothing. I cannot emphasize enough that no matter how cute that little "Princess" T-shirt you got for your maltipoo is, it is NOT CUTE FOR YOU.
9. Surgical Directions. I know how cute your daughter looked after she came out of her ACL surgery with her left knee marked "NOT THIS KNEE," but it loses something when you try to make "NOT THIS HIP" happen.
10. Fiber Optic Evening Gowns. I don't care how great they look on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, all that light from below is not going to do a thing to help that waddle.