Opinion » The Rant

Wiped Out!

Joseph's wants to know: How much would you pay to bathe your tuchus with the fibers of virgins?



Do you use the toilet? Are you filthy rich? Do you wish you could make going potty more difficult and time-consuming? Have I got the thing for you! 

Joseph's is toilet paper. Except it's not. It's an experience. It's a "microcosm of form and function" made from "tender virgin new-growth fibres." Even better, "the dendritic structure of the inner core provides optimal absorption while the outer layers act as moisture barrier for wet use." All this is according to the — admittedly beautiful — Joseph's website.

And that's just the wipe! We haven't even gotten to the "hypoallergenic debriding and detoxifying cleanser," or the moisturizer with "soothing and nourishing emollients," that "are quickly absorbed by the skin and support the immune system by enhancing the skin's resilience as a protective barrier." And, as if that's not enough, the moisturizer's "delicate fragrance completes the feeling of pristine perfection."

Are you with me?

This is a dry adult butt wipe that can be moistened and then used to apply moisturizer to your delicate chapped ass. As my friend Steve Steffens said, it's for the delicate sphincter.

Now, ladeez, we all know we stink. And we know our gynecologists beat us with their specula whenever we mention something about cleaning our netherlands with anything that "debrides," but did I mention you're stinky?

So. I suppose Joseph's eliminates the need to bathe, and it's a good thing. You'll need the time you normally spend in the shower for the entire process of spritzing the cleansing tonic onto a wipe as many times as it takes to feel clean and then using yet more wipes when you apply the moisturizer for protection. You don't just hop into the restroom. You have an entire Swiss glacial butt facial experience when you have to pop into the gents' at Bass Pro.

This stuff really needs to be seen to be believed. Joseph's comes to you packaged like a beautiful box of chocolates. The pads are quilted, downy, and plush. They're wrapped up with a satin bow. The cleanser and moisturizer are packaged like luxury cosmetics — which I suppose they are.

What would you pay to bathe your tuchus with the fibers of virgins?

How about $275?

I'll just wait while you get up from the floor, resuscitate yourself, and clean the coffee off the table where you just spit it out.

That's two months of fresh, clean, moisturized buttocks. If you're not totally committed, you can get the starter kit for only $110. It doesn't say how long that lasts. I guess it depends on how much Taco Bell you eat.

Let's say you LOVE the Joseph's Badonkadonk Bedewing System. It's not gonna fit on a standard toilet roll holder. It's not on a roll, because that's disgusting. No, you need to consult the Joseph's Furniture collection. Yes, that's right. The website has a furniture section. Toilet paper website. Furniture section. Just want to make sure you wrap your brain around that. If you're a true connoisseur of the Joseph's system and want to telegraph your love for nature, let me recommend The Joséphier in Natural Warped Ebony Macassar for only $1,100. For your beach house, you can just use the basic brushed stainless for only $550. For your sex room or men's club (often the same thing), I recommend the hand-wrapped leather model for $950.

You know what I love about this stuff? Everything.

I really super-love how the Joseph's site makes this huge deal of how natural and environmental it is as opposed to regular toilet paper for troglodytes and oil-guzzling hillbillies. Why should I walk up to Dollar General and get a vulgar 12-pack of Charmin Basic that's wrapped in a disgusting petrochemical skin when I could spend upwards of $1,300 on a two-month supply of wipes wrapped with a ribbon, cleanser, and moisturizer packed in plastic that's then wrapped for shipping, put in a plane, flown from Switzerland, stuck on a diesel truck, and delivered to my door where it's placed in a dead-tree or cowhide holder and bolted to the wall. Plus, I gotta have a maid whose only job is to retie that bow after each of my four children (Chard, Proton, Toile, and Glacier) has had a dump and flushed.

I love that the starter kit is supposedly going into the swag bags at the Oscars. I LOVE the idea of George and Amal arguing about who's going to run over to Geneva to pick up a pack of tender virgin cellulose because SOMEONE forgot to get it when he was in Zurich last week and SOMEONE ELSE had to use Cottonelle and is now going to have to book a SECOND ANAL BLEACH THIS MONTH because of the redness, YOU CAD!

Joseph's, if you're listening. I will totally be your spokesbutt.

Susan Wilson writes for yeahandanotherthing.com and likethedew.com. She and her husband Chuck have lived here long enough to know that Midtown does not start at Highland.

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