Opinion » The Rant

Zingers and Jello

Jeb Bush, Zingers, Sarah Palin, and other mysteries.

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Those North Koreans do the darndest things. Now they've gone and launched another missile of some sort. Thankfully, this time they didn't cause an earthquake in their own country, as they did back in January, when they reportedly tested a hydrogen bomb, apparently in an effort to build up an arsenal to bomb the United States. I don't know exactly why, but I laughed myself off the edge of my bed when I heard that one.

I don't think I will ever understand why there are people in the world who live just to make other people miserable. Terrorists, gangs, bigots, serial killers — the list goes on and on. Why do some people choose to be horrible instead of just trying to be happy and spread that happiness? It's a lofty thought, and the world is an incredibly complicated place, but still, why wake up each day and think of ways to be horrible?

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un - REUTERS | KYODO
  • Reuters | Kyodo
  • North Korean leader Kim Jong-un

This is one of the reasons I try not to watch the news about the presidential campaign going on (and on and on and on and on and on and on) right now. I feel bad that I don't have much interest in it, but I just see it as a pile of goons grandstanding for their own ego-driven interests.

The GOP debates would be entertaining, at the very least, except none of the candidates appear really interested in doing anything to improve society as we know it. They just want to gnaw on each other and come up with "zingers."

I actually saw a professional television news commentator ask Jeb Bush why he didn't come up with any "zingers" after one of the debates. Of course, poor Jeb appears to be in a walking coma most of the time, so how would he come up with "zingers?" I did actually crack up when, after Jeb got his mother Barbara Bush to get out and stump for him a little, Donald Trump made fun of him bringing out his mommy and making her walk in the snow. Why is Jeb Bush still even in the election? And who is John Kasich? I keep seeing him in the lineup, but I honestly had never heard of him. I see in my search that he is the governor of Ohio. Is this man really a viable candidate for president of the United States?

And why did the Donald have to go and resurrect Sarah Palin? Why bother her when she is busy dealing with her son's domestic violence issues and his arrest (all of which she blamed on, of course, Barack Obama)? Why not leave her to her hunting and gathering in the woods? Donald, please don't make us relive having her on the news a lot. She's still as gross as she always was, and her endorsement of you didn't do you too much good in Iowa. Leave it alone, and just tease Jeb about his mommy.

And why the hell does the opinion of Iowans mean so much to the political process? I've never understood that one. Iowa is probably the least diverse state in the country. It's almost all white and mostly rural. I secretly think that no one really lives in Iowa and the campaign people just ship people in for the caucuses during presidential elections.

The whole process is just strange. The people who are reportedly residents of Iowa (I still don't believe anyone really lives there) gather at local spots in each county, including schools, churches, and individual's homes (thank you, Wikipedia!). So, to the best of my understanding, all of these rural white people huddle up and try to figure out who they want to win the presidential primary. And they seem to eat a lot of food items that are stuffed. Like big, nasty stuffed flapjacks and fried bread stuffed with cabbage. I feel certain they also indulge in their fair share of Jell-O with canned fruit.

But back to their caucuses, food notwithstanding. They gather and talk about the pros and cons of the candidates, but they do it differently for Republicans than they do for Democrats. Ya think that's a red flag? And apparently, if there's a tie, they flip a coin. Fortunately, it's not just all tater tot casseroles (sorry, there I go again) and secret voting. They actually did give Barack Obama 98 percent of their votes, or delegates, or whatever it is, the last time. But the caucus winner in the Republican caucus the same year was Rick Santorum. Ick.

So why Iowa, and, for that matter, why New Hampshire? Again, approximately 94 percent white. I'm not saying white people don't know what they're doing, but why choose almost white-only states for these important elections to reflect the diversity of the country? Why not have the caucuses in New York or California? What am I missing here?

Admit it. Have you ever actually met someone who was from Iowa? I don't think I ever have. Nor have I ever met anyone from North Korea. I would like to meet some people from these places to get their take on what really goes on there. In the meantime, I'm going to find a way to cast my presidential vote for the late New York Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm.

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